Health jokes

My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"

What do kids call a balanced meal?

A hamburger in each hand! XD XD XD XD

What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?

Dairy free.

What did the nose say to the finger?

"Stop picking me!"

I think I gave you the coronavirus because I can't stop staring, a-choo!

I got a great corona virus joke, but you wouldn’t get it.

What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

I just found out I'm colorblind!

The diagnosis came completely out of the orange!

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.

I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.

Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.

Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.

What is a group of disabled people in a coma called?

A salad.

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

What's thick, long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber. Lol. I love the way you think.