Health jokes
What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?
Nothing, they both stain.
I need a new butt. This one has a hole in it.
My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"
A disabled man stands up.
A blind man says, "You can stand?"
A deaf man says, "You can see?"
A mute person says, "You can hear?"
The disabled man says, "You can talk!"
Doctor: "What the actual f**k"
I got a great corona virus joke, but you wouldn’t get it.
Memes
What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?
Dairy free.
What did the nose say to the finger?
"Stop picking me!"
What was the winning play at the leper football game?
A hand off up the middle.
I think I gave you the coronavirus because I can't stop staring, a-choo!
What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
I just found out I'm colorblind!
The diagnosis came completely out of the orange!
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?
He could feel it in his bones!
They struggled to lift the weights, but I got watermelon to keep me in shape.
We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.
Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!
Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!
I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
What is a group of disabled people in a coma called?
A salad.