My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”
Doctor: “Does your penis burn after intercourse?”
Patient: “I don’t know. I never tried lighting it.”
Where do sick boats go? – The dock!
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth? – The dentist!
Why did the library book go to the doctor? – It needed to be checked out.
What did the doctor not tell the crippled man to do after he broke his arm? :walk it off
“I’m sorry,” the doctor says, “you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“Will that cure me?” the patient asks.
“Well, no,” the doctor replies, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”
What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Why did the math book go to the psychologist? – It had too many problems.
What’s the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he’s not a surgeon.
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”. And the doctor replied, “I know. I amputated you arms.”
There was once this sodomite who went to his doctor’s office to get an HIV blood test. While there, his blood got drawn and he then left. Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor’s office in an examination room, waiting for the results of the HIV test. Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says, “I’m awfully sorry to tell you this but the test shows that you’re definitely HIV positive.” The sodomite then asks the doctor, “What do I need to do now, doctor!?” The doctor then says, “You need to go home and sit at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of chips, and 20 gallons of ice cream.” The sodomite then asks the doctor, “So, how is this gonna help me with my HIV, doctor!?” The doctor then replies, “It won’t help you out with your HIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your asshole is really for, though.”
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried for her health and go see a doctor.
Why did the author go to the emergency room? – His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
The patient says, "Doctor, you’ve got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
The doctor says, “Next, please.”
I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital.”
“Aaron, you’ve been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”