My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

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9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

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Where do sick boats go? – The dock!

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Doctor: “Does your penis burn after intercourse?”

Patient: “I don’t know. I never tried lighting it.”

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Why did the library book go to the doctor? – It needed to be checked out.

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What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth? – The dentist!

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What did the doctor not tell the crippled man to do after he broke his arm? :walk it off

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“I’m sorry,” the doctor says, “you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”

“Will that cure me?” the patient asks.

“Well, no,” the doctor replies, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”

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What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

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Why did the author go to the emergency room? – His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

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Why did the math book go to the psychologist? – It had too many problems.

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The patient says, "Doctor, you’ve got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

The doctor says, “Next, please.”

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Yo mama so fat that she should be worried for her health and go see a doctor.

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“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital.”

“Aaron, you’ve been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”

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