ur mom

how do you know when you're disliked? when they always give you the camera for group photos

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

when I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, i don’t find it cute or romantic. i find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

today, i asked my phone, "siri why am i still single" and it activated the front camera