Health jokes

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

What can run, be an eyesore, and practice social distancing?

Your hairline.

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

Someone was walking down the street and they saw some neat...

"Diarrhea cha cha cha, Diarrheal cha cha cha!"

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.

How do you get a depressed person to jump?

Put them on a bridge.

What is the hardest part of a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

If someone has a hyperfixation with drawing and playing, does that mean they are on the "artism" spectrum?

Why are colds such bad robbers?

Because they're so easy to catch.

What is the difference between a wheelchair and a walker?

"Don't break a person's heart, they only have one."

"Yeah, break their bones instead... they have over 200 of those :)"

"Chelsea is the most consistent team.

One win in August, one win in September, and one win in October; it's just like a menstrual cycle.

If they don't win in November, just know that they're pregnant." 😅

Why did Sally drop her ice cream cone?

Because she got hit by a bus.

What's breakdancing, twitching, and noisy?

A child with epilepsy.

"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.

Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.