Health jokes

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?

Donuts.

What happens to a nervous nut?

It cracks.

When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.

Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? Because they don’t get homesick.

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries."

"You is so black your mama fainted."

A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?

Standing ovation!

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?

Because they need parents' signature.

A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.

What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?

Chlamydia.