Health jokes

Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it!

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

You're so fat, that you're fat.

The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.

How does a train sneeze?

It goes, "A-choo choo!"

What do you do if your dick is smoking?

Get your mum to lick it.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.

How do sick Mexicans say hello?

"Ebola."

Yo mama so fat, when she decides to workout, the stock market goes bankrupt.

"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"

"Oh, that was the cat."

"We don't have a cat..."

"Oh..."

You're so fat you need butter to get in the car.

Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?

Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

I used to hate foot fungus, but now it's growing on me.

Yo mama is so fat when she goes to the dentist, they make her lay face down.

It's all fun and games until they start dancing.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

Because it had a window pane.

Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"