Health jokes

Anthony Blinken's life sucks, and getting COVID-19 positive is the only positive thing that ever happened in his entire life!

Q. What is Terri Schiavo's favorite Eminem song?

A. "Till I Collapse."

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it!

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

What can you catch but not throw?

A cold!

I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

Nope, should've gone to Specsavers.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.

Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.

He called them: “ASPERGER’S”

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.

I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.

I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.

I see a dreamer.