Health jokes

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

What's green and bad for your teeth?

A green brick.

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.

The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"

Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."

The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"

Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."

What do you call it when you see nothing but pants? Brief psychotic disorder!

A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.

The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."

You're so fat that when you went outside, you broke the 2-meter rule for COVID.

Your mama so fat, the scale said, "Only one person at a time, please!"

What do you call it if you find an old organ keyboard on the side of the road?

Organ harvesting.

The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.

I'm high and it's very hot.

I need some water, but I don't got none. AHAHA.

Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."

By a tweaker with AIDS.

Have you heard about kids with AIDS?

It never gets old.

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.