Health jokes

I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

Nope, should've gone to Specsavers.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.

Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.

He called them: “ASPERGER’S”

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.

I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.

I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.

I see a dreamer.

If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.

Why are all fat people bad drivers?

They are all hungover.

I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

Why was the director injured?

He couldn't find the right cast!