Health jokes

A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.

What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?

They're always cutting.

It's all fun and games until they start dancing.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

Because it had a window pane.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

Yo mama so fat, when she decides to workout, the stock market goes bankrupt.

"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"

"Oh, that was the cat."

"We don't have a cat..."

"Oh..."

You're so fat you need butter to get in the car.

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

Why can't you be gay and in a wheelchair?

Because you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

I used to hate foot fungus, but now it's growing on me.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

Yo mama is so fat when she goes to the dentist, they make her lay face down.

Yo mama is such a creep; she thought PTSD stood for "Please Touch Small Dicks."

What meds do snakes with ADHD take?

Adder-all.

What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?

Maracas.

You're so fat that you cause your heart to have panic attacks.