Health jokes
What happens when you eat salmon with Nutella?
You get salmonella.
What's the difference between broccoli and a booger?
Kids won't eat broccoli.
Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.
What does a person eat before a race?
Answer: They fast.
This person has Down syndrome.
Weirdo: I'm too high to die!
Me: You'll just fall harder.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
Where do cows get their medicine?
At the farmacy.
Why did Daveon go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling "Daveon" in the dumps.
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer…
All of the bristles fell out!
When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.
What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?
cancer.
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?
You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
One day, someone's ex was going to the kitchen to get something to eat, and her ex-boyfriend was there and gave her an apple. Next minute, she had chlamydia. What did the boyfriend do?
Knock, knock. Who's there? An armless person. Why? They got stumped on why they contacted you.
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
What do you call a body without a nose?
Nobody knows.