Health jokes

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

"A foolish man is lactose intolerant. A wise man simply tolerates it."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

What site does a vegetable go to when he/she is stressed?

cornhub.com

Kids in wheelchairs can't stand up for themselves if there's a bully.

I was in a wheelchair for a few weeks last month.

I went through a super traumatic experience, and I *wheely* hope I made a good *roll* model!

Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

Keep yourself safe!

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.

A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

Yo mama is such a creep; she thought PTSD stood for "Please Touch Small Dicks."

Why did the skeleton not go to prom?

Because he had no body to go with.

What do you call a special needs kid with a motorcycle?

Motor disease.

A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

What comes in and comes out, but you should never miss it?

Any ideas?

SHIT!!!!

You're so fat that you cause your heart to have panic attacks.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?

Maracas.