God jokes
Knock knock, who's there? God.
God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!
A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."
Daughter: Dad.
Dad: Yes honey?
Daughter: I'm lesbian.
Dad: Ok.
Daughter 2: Dad.
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?
Son: I do...
There is no god. None, not one.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday.
God being a sniper is so fun!
Adam and Eve are wondering whether they are black or white. Eve says, "Why don't you go and ask God?"
So Adam goes into the Garden of Eden and shouts out to God, "Are we black or white?" A big booming voice bellows out, "You are what you are."
He immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white. "How do you know?" asks Eve. "Because he said, 'You are what you are,'" Adam replied. "Why does that mean we are white?" asked Eve. "Because if we were black, He would have said, 'You is what you is.'"
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
I believe Alia is a true god because they say in the beginning there was an explosion.
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
What did God say to the black person?
"Oops, I burned one."😳
Not racist, just funny.
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Orphan: Where are my parents?
God: New York City.
Orphan: But they used to live in China.
Why did God create women before men?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.
A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".
People in 1912: "Titanic is unstoppable, even God couldn't sink this ship."
God: "Bet, where are my icebergs?"
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."