My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
So there I was fucking my sister and she’s shouts “god you fuck like dad” I then said “damn that’s what mom said”
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate".
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Dad: Yes honey
Daughter: Im Lesbian
Daughter 2: Dad
Daughter 2: Im lesbian too
Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here
Son: I do...
There is no god. None not one.
Knock Knock, who's there? god. god who? NO you idiot there is no god, I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself and his friend says "Find jesus instead he'll help you!" and than the man says "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist".
Do u know why God created wars ? to teach Americans geography
Steven Hawking said there is no God, Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Me: Hey god are you there" it's me Michael "god":*SILENCE* Me: If any gods exist they better say or do something this instant. "god": *SILENCE*
If I was God my parents would be anethesists.
If you argued that god was a woman 49.8% of the US population would try and raise Hell Just to ask the other guy. Talk about a male supremacist religion.
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Why are Egyptian gods orphans Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a-new-bus) every year to make a prophet
God creates a mosquito :) God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly. Angel: okay... a bug. God: now give it’s face a sword, but it has a hole so it’s basically a mouth. Angel: weird.. but okay... God: and give it wings. Angel: eh, not half bad Go- God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS Angel: *shook* o-okay God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out. Angel: .-. God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give ‘em a taste ‘o that! *evil grin* Angel: *cries* Angel: *whispers; I’m so sorry..*
[god creating spiders] God: ok what if I made an evil land octopus that could walk on walls
[god creating a jellyfish] God: how about an evil bag
[god creating the parrot] OK HOW ABOUT A TYEDYE CHICKEN THAT SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU