God jokes

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

People in 1912: "Titanic is unstoppable, even God couldn't sink this ship."

God: "Bet, where are my icebergs?"

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Orphan: Where are my parents?

God: New York City.

Orphan: But they used to live in China.

Why did God create women before men?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

There is no god. None, not one.

Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

I think God is cool with abortion.

After all, he did kill his only son.

God, when terminally ill children beg him to heal them:

God: No, I don’t want to.

There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed, and they all went to heaven.

God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be handsome." God granted his wish. The second guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the first guy." God granted his wish. The third guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish, and this continued on and on until the 15th ugly guy. The ugly guy was laughing, really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Steven Hawking said there is no God,

Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday.

God being a sniper is so fun!

What did God say when he made Jake Paul?

"Oops, I made a mistake."

Daughter: Dad.

Dad: Yes honey?

Daughter: I'm lesbian.

Dad: Ok.

Daughter 2: Dad.

Dad: Yes?

Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.

Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?

Son: I do...

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

It squirted in my eye, God dammit!