My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Daughter: Dad
Dad: Yes honey
Daughter: Im Lesbian
Dad: Ok
Daughter 2: Dad
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: Im lesbian too
Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here
Son: I do...
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Do you know why God created wars? To teach Americans geography.
Steven Hawking said there is no God, Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
[God creating spiders] God: make it have 8 legs Angel: ok? bit excessive but ok God: and 8 eyes Angel: You need to calm down and li- God: give it a butt rope
Once I saw A girl crying and asked where are your parents; God I love working at orphanages.
I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate".
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
Hey God what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire
sounds like a match made in heaven
pepole in 1912: titanic is unstopable even god coudlnt sink this ship. god: bet where is my icebergs
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
So there I was fucking my sister and she’s shouts “god you fuck like dad” I then said “damn that’s what mom said”
I wont ever Forget my dads last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.
Why did God make men? Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn.... =^..^=
god creating cats GOD:make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of ANGEL:ok.......................................anything else GOD:YES PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
God: “Steven join us” *sees the staircase to heaven* Steven: “shit”
I’m not saying you’re ugly, but you’re the reason God created miscarriages!
What did god say when he made the black human? Oh no i burnt another one
