Health jokes
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
What do you call a rapper with a cold?
Lil Sneezy.
Why download Fruit Ninja when you have your arm?
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a tomato?
A: A tomato isn't a vegetable.
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
Why do women get periods?
Just cancel the subscription.
What's black and eats Kitty?
Serval cancer.
My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
...Because there's always a cast!
What do you call a person in a wheelchair that lives in Africa?
Dry Vegetable.
Every zodiac sign has a hairstyle, except Cancer.