Health jokes
You're so fat that when you were born, the nurse mistook you for the father.
Why is Delta jealous?
Because Omicron took the final kill.
I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"
I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.
Yo mama so hairy, you almost died from a rug burn!
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
What do you call a cowboy with Down syndrome? A whipped potato.
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.
What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.
Imagine if Joe Biden was elected for a second term.
He would be the first president to be assassinated by a slick bathtub.
Me: Knock, knock.
Other person: Who’s there?
Me: Atch.
Other person: Atch who?
Me: Bless you!
Why do Fortnite players have such good teeth?
Because they like to floss.
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.
Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.
Fat women can't walk, but on 9/11, they ran.
Why did the bee go to the doctors?
Answer: Because he had hives.
So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.
It worked really well in my local hospital.
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
What is the American virus? Diabetes.