Therapist jokes

my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank, has jotted that down on his notebook, he says, "Oh, I see."

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!

Me: My therapist says I need those to live.

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_

I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?

They are more open-minded.

What did the therapist say to the rapist yes please

I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.

My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

The rapist is a therapist.

Lol.

Therapist just mean the-rapist.

Sy’kyira (😌): I can’t wait for the therapist to come.

Daina (😊): Same, 30 minutes have passed... I also wonder what that loud sound is.

Sy’kyira (😅): SAME!!! What, does it sound like a woman suffering???

Daina (😌): I know, right?

So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.

“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.

“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.

So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”

“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”

Therapists are rapists in disguise, because "the rapist".