What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT GET OUT!" Priest: "Ok, what about the children?" Father:"FUCK THE CHILDREN" Preist:" Do you think we'll have time?"
When someone tells me to kill myself
Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
while undressing a woman, she told me she has aids, i told her she cant catch it twice but she still kept screaming
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
Helen Keller fell down a well she screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands
Teacher: I'm sorry but you got a 74 on the test Quiet Kid: I'll show you my own 74 Classroom: *visible panic*
What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby.
When you drop them both, everyone screams.
Q: where did sally go when the bomb when off. A: Everywhere
When your in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots
i saw two blind men fighting at the mall I yelled he has a gun they both ran
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected
Quite Kid: *reaches into bag* Teacher: EVERYBODY RUN
A catholic school is burning down, one of the priest says: 'SAVE THE CHILDREN, SAVE THEM', an another priest says: F*CK THE CHILDREN, we're gonna die!! The last priest is like: hmmm... do we have time?
One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:
"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"
"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! please help, please help!"
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
so once upon a time there was a man who lived in his house with his wife
he got up to go out to work and closed the front door behind him
not even 4 seconds later he came back inside panicking, saying "there's a rabbit with a gun outside!"
the wife replied "oh don't worry rabbits don't have guns they can't shoot people- you must be imagining things"
the man calmed down for a few minutes, and after some reassuring, he eventually decided to try to go back out to work again
so he stepped outside the front door and the rabbit shot him
My daughter came home from school later then usual I was panicking then at 5:30pm she arrived not walking but in a bus 🚌 I asked where the hell did this bus come from! She said the garage in the alleyway mama I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons you like her she is called belle bus. My face was just:😑 how did u get the bus here she reply’s with a whisper I drove her through five gardens a house and two police cars! 🙃 so that explains why you have handcuffs on “yeah!”
