Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT GET OUT!" Priest: "Ok, what about the children?" Father:"FUCK THE CHILDREN" Preist:" Do you think we'll have time?"
When someone tells me to kill myself
Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
while undressing a woman, she told me she has aids, i told her she cant catch it twice but she still kept screaming
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Helen Keller fell down a well she screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands
Teacher: I'm sorry but you got a 74 on the test Quiet Kid: I'll show you my own 74 Classroom: *visible panic*
What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby.
When you drop them both, everyone screams.
Q: where did sally go when the bomb when off. A: Everywhere
i saw two blind men fighting at the mall I yelled he has a gun they both ran
When your in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots
One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:
"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"
"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! please help, please help!"
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
Quite Kid: *reaches into bag* Teacher: EVERYBODY RUN
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
You don't need brains to be a Boss. When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral Of The Story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss----any asshole will do.
