Health jokes
When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
Sometimes I just want to toss a flash bang into a room full of epileptic kids.
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
What do people with cancer always want to watch?
"Finding Chemo."
Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.
He is helping world hunger by feeding cancer.
Technoblade can defeat every Minecraft player, but he still can't defeat cancer!
My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"
Yo mama so fat she can't walk for five seconds without sweating, causing a tsunami!
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
Never eat more than you can lift.
I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.
What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.
Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was blind, too.