Health jokes
What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?
Fat people jokes.
Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?
Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.
I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.
Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was blind, too.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
Why is it always cold in the hospital?
To keep the vegetables fresh.
Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!