Health jokes
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
I'm black, and I have a dying family in my basement that hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. They need help.
Btw, it's a joke lol.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
Why are all fat people bad drivers?
They are all hungover.
WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!
Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?
Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To pick some dill.
Jack slid down the hill and hurt his leg of skill,
And he needed a painkiller pill.
What do you call an autistic kid if he was short?
A short tistic.
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he's not a surgeon.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.