Health jokes
Yo mama so fat she can't walk for five seconds without sweating, causing a tsunami!
What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.
My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?
Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.
I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Sometimes I just want to toss a flash bang into a room full of epileptic kids.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was blind, too.
So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
What do you call a rapper with a cold?
Lil Sneezy.
Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a tomato?
A: A tomato isn't a vegetable.
Why download Fruit Ninja when you have your arm?
Sippin' on promethazine With lean, I fell in love.
I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup.