Health jokes

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.

Why is it always cold in the hospital?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

Why is Delta jealous?

Because Omicron took the final kill.

Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

I saw that my brother has brain cancer, so I asked him: "Are you big brain?"

What do my balls and emos have in common?

...Nothing, they both hang themselves...

Why was the apple 🍎 sad?

Because he got his peelings hurt.

I have 206 bones. When I look at you, I have 207.

Why can't an orphan get a vaccine?

They need parental permission.

What is the toughest part of the human body?

Anal hair, all the shit that they go through.

Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?

Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.