Health jokes
Sometimes I just want to toss a flash bang into a room full of epileptic kids.
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
Never eat more than you can lift.
I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.
What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.
Memes
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?
Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was blind, too.
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
Why do women get periods?
Just cancel the subscription.
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."