Masturbation jokes
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
My sex life.
What do lesbians do when they have a problem? They finger it out.
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.
I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?
You got off clean.
What's a good way to masturbate?
Get somebody to do it for you.
What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?
A liar.
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.
My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”
I'd make a masturbation joke.
But they always get out of hand.
🤔 What does BLM stand for? Blacks Love Masturbation 💘 💘 💘 💘 ☺ 😀 👍 👍
What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears.
My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"
"Islam it is."