Masturbation jokes

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

What do lesbians do when they have a problem? They finger it out.

My sex life.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.

What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?

You got off clean.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?

A liar.

What's a good way to masturbate?

Get somebody to do it for you.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg.

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

I'd make a masturbation joke.

But they always get out of hand.

🤔 What does BLM stand for? Blacks Love Masturbation 💘 💘 💘 💘 ☺ 😀 👍 👍

What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.