Masturbation Jokes

What do lezbians do when they have a problem, they finger it out.

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. -- They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.


A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the Doctor's office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, "So I can examine you!"


If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”


*my mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she recieved it from her cousin* (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

*Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed of the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile* (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ

I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested it's factuality-

Well it's been some good years now Haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room." "Islam it is."