Masturbation jokes
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
My sex life.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.
I'd make a masturbation joke.
But they always get out of hand.
My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"
"Islam it is."
What do lesbians do when they have a problem? They finger it out.
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"
What did the man's dick say to the man?
I just can't "hand"le it!
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears.
Which dinosaurs masturbated the most? Triceratops, they were the horniest!
What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?
You got off clean.
Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.
What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?
A liar.