Masturbation Jokes

Troy Adams
in Sex

A guy is at home and he’s about to go get a physical at the Doctor’s office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, “Brian, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, “So I can examine you!”

Anonymous
in Sex

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Anonymous

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A: So she can moan with the other.

7
Jon

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

6
dankmemester

why was the T-rex so angry?You would be angry too,if you’re arms were to short to masterbaute.

HEHA

What do lezbians do when they have a problem, they finger it out.

Anonymous
in Religion

I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, “God is watching you when you masturbate”.

I said, “Is God a pedophile too, Father?”

2
Seanie
in Priest

Boy goes to Confession Boy " What are you doing father" Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it" Boy " Why do you say that father" Priest " Cause my hand is getting tired”

7
Anonymous
in Sex

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. – They all looked shocked when I didn’t stop.

0
Anonymous

My Sex Life

0
Anonymous

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don’t know, I can’t count while I masturbate…

Anonymous
in Porn

What’s a good way to masturbate???

Get somebody to do it for u

4
Anonymous

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle

Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I’m probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn’t feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn’t want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn’t say a word about it, he didn’t move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

Anonymous
in Cow

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

3
Earl E. Morningwood
in Doctor

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

BabiesDie

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

0
Anonymous
in Puns

What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower? You got off clean

Anonymous

Rose are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times

Jimmy
in Difference

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg

Anonymous

🤔 What does BLM stand for? Blacks Love Masturbation 💘 💘 💘 💘 ☺ 😀 👍 👍