80+ Masturbation Jokes

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

My sex life.

What do lesbians do when they have a problem? They finger it out.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

Why have I not seen these posters in my neighbourhood?

A poster on a wooden pole reads "Pleasuring yourself with a vape? Try masturbation instead. Masturbation alone or with a friend is a great safe alternative to vaping." There is also a website "WhatsInAVape.com" and "THE REAL COST" on the poster.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.

Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?

You got off clean.

What's a good way to masturbate?

Get somebody to do it for you.

What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?

A liar.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”