Masturbation jokes

What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?

You got off clean.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?

A liar.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

My sex life.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

I'd make a masturbation joke.

But they always get out of hand.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

What do lesbians do when they have a problem? They finger it out.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.

What's the first rule of Wank Club?

Don't shake hands with anyone else in Wank Club.

There was once a man from Peru. Who fell asleep in a canoe. While dreaming of Venus, He played with his penis, And awoke with a hand full of goo.

What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.

Q: What did the sign say on the whore house?

A: Beat it, we're closed.