Dad jokes

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.

What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."