Old

Anonymous

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Bag

Anonymous

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

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Sally

Anonymous

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student:The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher:She drowned?!

Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Jesus

Anonymous

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

Orphan

Anonymous

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing.

Students: Your Parents

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Lie

Anonymous

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked in to the classroom. The teacher asked them, “Why are you arguing?”

One of the boys replied, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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Little Johnny

Anonymous

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: no one stands up Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

Puns

Euan

One day I came home from school and said to my dad ‘I got expelled from school today’ he said ’ how’ I said I threw my book at the teacher’ he asked why’ I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can’t hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. ’

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Depression

De-Pressed-Anxiety

Teacher : Who here has thought about committing suicide? Half of the class : raises hand Teacher : … The half of the class: Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it

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Fat

❤️ Tara ❤️

Teacher:Kids what does a chicken give you

Students: Eggs

Teacher: Very good now what does the pig give you

Kids: Bacon

Teacher: Excellent now what does the fat cow give you

Kids: Homework

Depression

Jasmine

My friends: ugh why are you so lazy and no fun My parents: why can’t u be like ur siblings My teacher: I don’t care if ur depressed focus on ur study! The songs: we understand you :)

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Sister

Anonymous

So there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, what is one plus one? She said I HATE YOU. Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN! Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said 85 SMACK EM DOWN! Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, My buns are burning. Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Bobby said, NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN! The principal yelled, HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?! Then he said, 85 SMACK EM DOWN! Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, my buns are burning.

Name

Whats_My_Name?

A kid walks in late to class, the teacher asks him “why are you late?” and he replies “I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake” Another kid walks in late to class and the teacher asks him “why are you late” and he replies “I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake”, The last kid walks in and the teacher says “why are you late?..and why are you wet?” and the kid says back REMEBER MY NAME IS PEBBLES!!

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Minutes

Anonymous

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he’s an idiot.

The boy says, “No, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

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Sister

random person

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3… The boy said, “Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she’s in Grade 4”.

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: O MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you’ve to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo !

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!”

Computer

Anonymous

what do you call a creepy IT teacher…a PDF file

Dad

Hangy boi

Teacher: Ok class I’m going to ask a question about your family. Alex: Miss my Dad died In 9/11 Teacher: OH NO IM SO SORRY! Alex: Don’t worry miss It was only Dad and besides he did what he wanted before he died. Teacher: What was that? Alex: Flew the plane.

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Suck

Anonymous

A teacher asks a boy in her class “If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?” The boy responds with “None.” The teacher asks why. “They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot.” The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think. Later, the boy asks the teacher “3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?” The teacher says “The one sucking it.” The boy says “No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think.”

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Finger

Anonymous

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

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Hell

Cleverbot

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

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