Suspicion jokes

When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.

Bf: Do you love me?

Gf: Most of the time.

Bf: Well, it's either yes or no.

Gf:...

Bf: Well, when is it that you don't love me?

Gf: 2:30 to 4:00. Every time when you go to the river an hour, then it takes me a half hour to love you again.

Bf: Why?

Gf: 'Cause you always see that OTHER GIRL.

Bf: MY LOVE! That other girl is my sister!!!

Gf: Ohh...

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

Because it was Luke warm.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

I don't trust trees...they look shady.

When the Among Us has drip ඞ!

I wasn't planning on going on a run, but those cops showed up out of nowhere.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, "They're right behind you!"

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Why shouldn't you trust trees? Because they seem shady.

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.

I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!