Autterpop

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you.

A wife was cleaning 12-year-old son’s bedroom When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?” The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried —I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

oh wait i'm thinking of....

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."

Why is it that skinny men like fat women? Because they need warmth in winter, and shade in summer.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or no legs. One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay.

He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." T he woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still cant cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still cant f*ck."

Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind...

...but it will allow ugly people to get laid.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision. );

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins, Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice,"

I made a video game about a depressed self-harming goth. It's mostly unskippable cutscenes though.... :/