Candy Jokes

The Special

My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”

  • One of the thousands of missing children
3
Anonymous
in Animal

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? – A candy baa.

2
Anonymous

A mom gave her son “the talk”. her son replies "wait so there really isn’t candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied.

Stradlater
in Best

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ¨Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!¨ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ¨Yes sir!¨ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ¨Forks and knives, forks and knives!¨ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ¨Goody-goody gumdrops!¨ A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows: Policeman: Who killed the man? Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Policeman: Did you kill the man? Foreign man: Yes sir! Policeman: What did you use to kill him: Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives! Policeman: You´re under arrest. Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!

3
Anonymous
in Astronaut

What’s an astronauts favorite candy? A Milky Way!

Anonymous

Candy is dandy

But liqour is quicker.

2
XxbillyxscrannerxX

Last halloween i went dressed as a woman. When i rang the doorbell an elderly woman opened and i made grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands. She immediately called the police and told them excactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First he asked are your parents here and i said nothing. Concerned by my answer he then asked if i was ok so i said nothing. He asked me what my name and i responded, "Hellen Keller.

2
no name

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy

pro joker

I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.

Anonymous

Jack and jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*** because Jills real name is Randy

Dawn
in Toe

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it: Doctor: I have good news and bad news Guy" Whats the bad news Doc: They replaced your toe with a piece of candy Guy: Good news? Doc: You now have tic tac toe

A dirty minded freak.
in Woman

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Dick, lets go.”

Black Humor Connoisseur

A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with “Hey girls, would you like some candy?” They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says “God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes”

2
Astro

What candy loves shooting stars? Starbursts!

Anus McDickNuggets
in Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill

went up the hill

so Jack could lick Jill’s candy

but Jack had a shock

with a mouth full of cock

cause Jill’s real name was Randy

With a tight cheeked fanny

and shlong expandy

Jack’s face turned uncanny

Off he ranny

to tell granny

his best friend was a tranny

Overwatch_Gamer321
in Puns

I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.

Balzac2900
in Offensive

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can eat her candy. He got sick when he got a mouthful of dick and realized her name was Randy

AbbeyDabbyDoo
in Sentence

You: Say “addicted” after everything I say. Person: Uh okay. You: When you’re obsessed with candy you are…? Person: Addicted. You: When you’re obsessed with drugs you are…? Person: Addicted. You: What hit you in the face last night? Person: Addicted… laughs (It’s supposed to sound like “A dick did”)

Bj

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her can you stop smacking its annoying. Then she said I cant its a juicy type of candy. So I said, I can stop the candies from making that sound. Then she said how? So I smacked her. :)

Jack and Jill went up the hill so jacK could lick Jill’s candy jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill’s real name is randy