They told me I could never be an actor....
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
There was murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.
I keep looking for my girlfriends killer but no one wants to do it.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. -- 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.
3 men walk into heaven at the same time. they all live in the same city. god asks the first man "how did you die?" the man says "I have a heart condition and iv'e been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. anyway I get how from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hang of the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guys fingers! he falls into a bush so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man "how did you die?" the man says I was cleaning the windows and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! luckily I fall safely in a bush! but then a refrigerator falls on me!" god asks the third man he says" I was the one in the fridge!"
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police says the suspect is armed and on the run.
There is one rapist among us
Curiousity killed the cat. But for a while I was a suspect
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
one day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy then they heard a sound from the bushes, instead of looking down they both ran.
two years later they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial they asked him if he has ever been caught he said "No but a couple was walking as soon as i killed a girl i jumped into a bush they didnt know i was there but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down then he and his girlfriend ran."
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group
I suspected that it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.
My dad died, so I dug his grave. I was asked why I murdered him, I answered "Guess we'll never know who did it because he dug his own grave." My father was William Afton.😝😝😝😝😜😜🥱🥱🥵🥵🥴🥴🥴😩😩😃😃🤗🤗🤗🤗🤫🤫🤫🤫😊😊😊😊😊😉😘🥰😍🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🥴🥴🥴🥴🤕🤕🤕🤒🤒🤒🤧🤮🤮🤮🤮😩😬😣😳🌛🥶🤧🥵😩😫🤧🤑🌜🥵😦😳😮🙁😢🤐😫🌜🤤😘😫😬🥱😘🥴🤣🙂😑😏😑😏😏
What do you call a suspicious dog?
A sussy bark-er
after 6 months of lockdown
I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself
Someone kills a emotionally weak person by hard words and bullying. No one will suspect the killer was, anyone who took part.
