Cop Jokes

Anonymous
in Police

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” the guy replied.

The cop said, “But there is no traffic.”

And the guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Anonymous

The cops are still searching for my wife’s killer. Luckily I already fled the country.

2
Anonymous
in Deportation

a cop pulled me over and shouted papers. i shouted scissors and drove off.

Madison R.
in Blonde

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

0
THE FUNNY DUDE
in Adult

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

White People
in Darkness

Friend:How dark is your humor? Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis

Anonymous

what’s the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop.

pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly

2
Aynomous

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black

5
Derplaney
in Puns

One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said “I dont know it all happed to fast”!

4
Asswald

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

Anonymous

Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed

Anonymous

If a white cop had a black dick would he beat it to death

in America

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they all Beat the room for being black.

Anonymous
in Darkness

All of these jokes are so dark, I’m surprised cops haven’t shot them.

dontask

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”

9
Anonymous
in Chuck Norris

chuck Norris get`s pulled over by cop and the cop gets a ticket

JAred

Friend: How dark IS your humor Me: It started an orginization against cops

Anonymous
in Police

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, “Holy shit, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”

The drunk says, “No shit, that’s why I took my car!”

0
Anonymous
in Russia

What was the name of Russia’s first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova