Cop Jokes

Police

Anonymous
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A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Plan

Bloodcurdling scream
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I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Wife

Anonymous
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The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily I already fled the country.

2

Adult

THE FUNNY DUDE
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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

Blonde

Madison R.
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A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

1

Change

Aynomous
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black

6

Deportation

Anonymous
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a cop pulled me over and shouted papers. i shouted scissors and drove off.

Depression

Krispy
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Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

Darkness

White People
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Friend:How dark is your humor? Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis

Difference

Anonymous
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what's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop.

pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly

2

Dark Humor

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girl: hey why don't you come over?

guy: i cant. cops are looking for me, they say i killed 2 people.

girl: cmon, my parents aren't home.

guy: about that. . .

Old Lady

Asswald
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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

Puns

Derplaney
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One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said "I dont know it all happed to fast"!

4

Hairline

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your hairline is so bad the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.

Darkness

Anonymous
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All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

3

Freedom

Anonysus
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i saw a cuban prisoner i asked why are you running from the cops he said IM FREE AT LAST.

Darkness

JAred
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Friend: How dark IS your humor Me: It started an orginization against cops

Beat

Anonymous
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If a white cop had a black dick would he beat it to death

Shooting

Anonymous
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Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed

Beat

Mike Oxlong
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Why is there a lot of whites in hockey? It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop