I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their p.... through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his p.... through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”
what’s the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop.
pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, “Holy shit, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”
The drunk says, “No shit, that’s why I took my car!”
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” the guy replied.
The cop said, “But there is no traffic.”
And the guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”
One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said “I dont know it all happed to fast”!
how many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? none theyll arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”
Things you never want to do in jail
- never piss off an inmate
- don’t start fights with the cops
- don’t drop the soap
- don’t run away from the cops
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb.
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
Q:What is red white and blue and fun to watch? A: a cop car rolling over after tryong to catch for speeding
*a married woman gets hit by a truck and the cops tell her husband Cop: sir, it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck Man; I know but she has a great personality
A robber robbed a bank and ran into the road and got by a car. The cops said to him “That’s CARma for you!