Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
Nightmare
@nightmare
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear... ...is sphere itself.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Wife: “How do I look?” Husband: “With your eyes.”
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
There are three types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
Idaho... Alaska!
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?
It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do men get great ideas in bed?
'Cause they are plugged into a genius!
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.
I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.