Tree jokes

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree.

What did the wind say to the palm tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job."

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

Chuck Norris can pick an apple from an orange tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

How do trees get online? -- They just log in.

What did one tree say to the tree that was a bully? "LEAF me alone."

Trees are so social. They're always branching out.

What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"

What’s the difference between an apple and a depressed kid? The apple falls from the tree.

Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."

Walnut says, "I look like a brain."

Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."

Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"