My jokes
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(
Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.
Old man: I ran over five miles today.
Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.
So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck if my computer crashes.
To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.
My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.
Now we wait...
What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?
My dick!
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?