Ex: baby i miss u.
Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.
Ex: who died?!
Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.
My Jokes
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
The only thing brighter than my future is the fire on the World Trade Center.
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.
I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.
My friend threw a soccer ball at a disabled kid.
We all yelled "Rocket league!"
My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.
What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?
..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”
The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”
He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”
If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
What's the difference between $1 million and baby teeth?
I don't have $1 million in my wallet.
My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now
I am Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are HeHee.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."
I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.
