My jokes

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up.

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 10, since my basement's still dark.

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

I wanted to play as Kobe Bryant on my gaming console, but the game kept crashing.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.

Old man: I ran over five miles today.

I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!

What do you call a cup with a handle?

A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck if my computer crashes.