My jokes

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.

My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.

Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!

I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

I bought my cousin a trampoline, she started crying. She was in a wheelchair.

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

*School shooting happens.*

Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk.*

American student: "First time?"

Foreign exchange student: "Yeah, you?"

American student: "Hahaha. No, not my first time."

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?

I got jealous when my phone dies.

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.

What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)