My jokes
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.
My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.
I bought my cousin a trampoline, she started crying. She was in a wheelchair.
Memes
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
*School shooting happens.*
Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk.*
American student: "First time?"
Foreign exchange student: "Yeah, you?"
American student: "Hahaha. No, not my first time."
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didnβt he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
I got jealous when my phone dies.
Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.
What do you call pasta thatβs made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (Itβs my first one, lol)
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.
I started thrashing about and roared, βYou donβt have enough badges to control me!β