My jokes

It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" the passenger said.

"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.

I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.

What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?

My dick!

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

There is a feminist group in my town.

It is called Gal-Qaeda.

(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

Ex: baby i miss u.

Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.

Ex: who died?!

Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

The only thing brighter than my future is the fire on the World Trade Center.

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

My friend threw a soccer ball at a disabled kid.

We all yelled "Rocket league!"

I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.

What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?

..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”

The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”

He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”