My Jokes

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

Somebody asked me whats that on your arm I just said "My cats got ocd"

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh this, I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

My friend: Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny Me: C'mon it's not that deep

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

My family is like a treasure...

You need a map and shovel to find them.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

I got a ps5 for my brother, best trade i've ever made

My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone