My jokes

Ocd

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

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  • Wheelchair

    To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

    Self Harm

    My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

    Murder

    Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

    Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

    Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

    Guy: "About that..."

    Memes

    Blood Type

    My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

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  • Childhood

    My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

    Friend

    My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

    Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

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  • Ex

    "Hey, today was great."

    "What happened?"

    "I ran into my ex today."

    "What's so great about that?"

    "I was in my car."

    Death

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

    Blood Type

    My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

    Robbery

    Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

    Grandpa

    I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

    Abuse

    I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

    Parent

    When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

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  • Skin

    You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

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