My jokes
Hey, wanna know why you remind me of a waitress?
Because you handle my food great, and I give you a good tip afterwards.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where is my tractor?"
My teacher told me to have a good day. SOOOOOOOOOO I went home :)
During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.
I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.
Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”
My friend was the only one who laughed.
I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.
I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.
What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.
My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"
I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."
If Will Smith could be in any movie, he would be in "Find My Hairline."
My sis was funny but sad because I have a boy and she doesn't.
It's hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not.
Dad: My kid just said "butch," but since he is a kid, he said a bad word on accident.
*The next day*
Uncle: F*CK!
By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.
You wonder where my dad is.
Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!
TRUE STORY!
X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.
I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!
Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!
Mom: Son, did you go to school?
Son: What if I said yes?
Mom: You are in school! *slap*
Son: Mom, I am moving out and I am moving in with my girlfriend.
Mom: You are with...? Please don't move out =(
Son: Mom, stop! So what if I am moving out? I am moving into my girlfriend's home. It's only for school.
Mom: Well, you are kicked out of my home!
Son: Good.
Mom: I am sad now. Why did he move out?
If you like it, please commit down.
Girl, are you a public school? Because I want to shoot my kids inside you.
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
What did the substrate say to the active site?
"C'mon baby, we fit together, open my door lock to f**kin' key."
I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
Which was good. He died during 9/11.
My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.
"Can I throw you away? You look like my trash can. Oh, wait, you *are* my trash can."