My jokes

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.