My jokes
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
I got jealous when my phone dies.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
I bought my cousin a trampoline, she started crying. She was in a wheelchair.
Memes
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
*School shooting happens.*
Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk.*
American student: "First time?"
Foreign exchange student: "Yeah, you?"
American student: "Hahaha. No, not my first time."
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?
My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.
What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.
Now we wait...