My jokes

My girlfriend called me a pedophile.

And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"

What do you call a dick?

Suck my dick!

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.

How are my sister‘s legs and peanut butter alike?\n\nThey’re both smooth and easy to spread.

A house has a crack. A guy covers it with Plaster of Paris.\n\nHouse: "Where the heck am I supposed to do my shit now?"

What’s the difference between my sister-in-law and a driveway?

I pull out of the driveway.

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."

Back the halls with gasoline, la la la la la.

Light a match and watch it gleam, la la la la la.

My school is burnt into ashes, fa la la la la, la la la la.

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"

My bully. 😭

Alright listen up you penis sucking chicken muching grape juice sipping BLACKIE!!! This is Explain Bear here to explain the joke. So the joke of “Why did the chicken cross the road” is that you expect it to be a funny punchline. But instead, you get a straightforward answer “To get to the other side” which is the logical explanation to that question. The humor is found in subversion to the subversion of expectation. Double whammy!!! So yeah that was another joke successfully explained by EXPLAIN BEAR!!!!! Dont forget to like and subscribe to my youtube channel, and until next time, BEAR OUT!!!!!!!

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I diddled for a total of 67 times. I am the ultra Gooner. My cum is everywhere. I am the goon master.

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

Codenames for them FUCKING drugs, my crackhead ngas.

Cannabis: Weed, Pot, Ganja, Herb, Grass, Mary Jane, Bud, Chronic, Kush, Trees, Hash, Hashish (concentrates).

Cocaine: Coke, Blow, Snow, Dust, Charlie, White girl, Pearl, Nose candy, Rail, Sniff.

Crack Cocaine: Rock, Hard, Nuggets, Dice, Jelly beans, Moon rocks, Sugar block.

Heroin: Smack, H, Dope, Junk, Black tar, Brown sugar, China white, Horse, Dragon, Skag.

Methamphetamine (Meth): Crank, Speed, Chalk, Ice, Crystal, Glass, Shards, Tina.

MDMA (Ecstasy/Molly): E, X, XTC, Molly, Beans, Adam, Happy pill, Love drug, Dancing shoes.

LSD: Acid, Tabs, Doses, Dots, Blotter, Window pane, Sugar cubes.

Ketamine: Special K, K, Vitamin K, Cat Valium, Green K.

My mom was 19 when she was pregnant with me, My mom was 39 when she was pregnant by me!!!