New My Jokes

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"

Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.

Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.

Mom: Well, it’s my house.

Little Johnny: Then go clean it.

Mom: Go to school!

At school:

Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.

Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.

Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

My grandad and your hairline go way back.

I like my women like I like my scotch:

12 years old and mixed with coke.

Mom clean your room Me no it’s my room and I don’t want to clean it Mom you are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter me Well I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now am I you are the Worst like why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter I’m not her OK I am not her so stop Mom do you know what I pushed you out of my hula 43 minutes do not make me hate you because guess what I brought you into the world and I can take you out of it Me bro

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead because of you.

Actually, not because of you... because of your face.

I started working at the AISH office a few months ago.

I felt like I wasn't fitting in. Then my coworker showed me where the pepper spray and emergency contraception pills were.

Now I feel like I belong.

I rule my women with an IRON FIST!!

Yeah, literally an iron that my fist is clenching against her face.

I like my women how I like my bacon.

Well Dunn!!!

I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.

The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"

Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.