My jokes

Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.

Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.

Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.

Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.

Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.

My local pet store sells prong collars to get dogs to behave.

But when I tried them on an Alzheimer's patient, I got fired from the nursing home.

A burglar breaks into a weapons engineer's house, hoping to loot the high-tech arsenal. Suddenly, the engineer yells from upstairs, "Hey! Stop right there!"

The burglar, trying to play tough, screams, "Hands up! I know you've got the goods! Open the armory or I'll shoot!"

The engineer, trembling, cries, "Okay, okay! Don't shoot! I'll give you everything, even my latest prototype!"

The burglar, eyes gleaming with greed, demands, "Prove it! Let me see this fancy new gun first!"

The engineer points to a target range. "It's a plasma blaster," he claims. "Go ahead, give it a shot."

The burglar aims at the bullseye, pulls the trigger, and—BANG!—the gun fires directly into his own chest.

As the thief collapses, the engineer cackles, "Surprise! It's not plasma; it's my new 'Reverse-Recoil Special,' specifically designed for uninvited guests!"

I really slapped my pants at school today. This is normal, because boys also have their period.

My dad was such a good man. RIP, Osama bin Laden.

I got, I got, I got royalty inside my penis, or however the song goes.

I have a crush on my sister!

I always enjoy family reunions.

It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.

Sister: "Has anyone seen my clothes?"

Brother: "They're still in my bed."

I told my lesbian friends, "I wanna watch," so they bought me a Timex®.

It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

What's the worst thing to say at a live birth?

"Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.

Every one is talking about glory holes, so I decided to look into one.

I was doing renovations on a house and found a wall with a glory hole. I was going to remodel it, but it's load bearing. I asked a gay carpenter how to fix this, and he advised that I check out the studs first to make sure they were uncut.

Eventually, I gave up and just put my nuts through the hole. Now they're walnuts.

Feminists should STFU and suck my dick!

The legs are soft and delicious.

How much can you earn in Selkan Toko Na Sinsel? Njpopularnijssa bronia jost. My grandma was already eto nasaba of the other sachan without me. Then you will be satisfied.

I was in bio when my teacher asked what would happen if all predators were gone in an ecosystem.

The kid in the back raised his hand and said, "So what IS gonna happen to you?"

Today I asked my best friend what their favorite joke was. They started waving their hands around, and I thought it was a sign to go, thinking I had offended them or something. Turns out they were mute...

I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."

My friend went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in a crate.

He said it was a Shitzoo!

I tried phone sex once, lost my bits to a stray "call waiting" beep. Very painful. Never again.