My jokes

I had a teacher named Mr. Stubs. I asked why he was given that name, and he replied, "My parents said my limbs were spare parts."

Roses are tree.

I shoved a battery up my butt.

Loona from Helluva Boss is a retarded mutt.

I had an operation on my knee, but it was a joint effort.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

My best friend is black. It really pissed me off when my mom sold him.

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.

What makes my life so unfair?

You invading it for no apparent reason.

I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.

I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.

"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."

When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.

I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.

I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.

Now I'm terrified of airports.

I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...

I have no beef with them.

Danny just bought a new game from Steam for a penny.

About one hour later, Danny asks his mother: "Mom, I am not able to start the game."

Mom asked, "Why?"

Danny answers: "It says 'Press any key' on the screen, but I can't find an 'Any' button on my keyboard."

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

What is smaller than my dick?

Nothing.

I met a kid at the park. He was holding a picture of his parents in his hands. They had died on 9/11.

So, I went to comfort him. I said, "Hey, I lost my grandpa on 9/11. He was great. At flying a plane."

Germans be like, “Guten Morgan.”

Bitch, that's not my name.

Kim Jong Il: Knock knock.

Political Prisoner: Who's there?

Kim Jong Il: Boo.

Political Prisoner: Boo who?

Kim Jong Il: Boo hoo? Don't cry just because I executed your wife and enslaved your children. You at least get to eat today, my friend.