My jokes

I got my math test back today. I am Asian and raised in an Asian household, so I was worried about what I was going to get.

I got a 95%.

I'm having warm dinner tonight!

P.S. True story, lol.

My sister was getting something from the basement, and seeing rats, she said: "Rats are so disgusting and ugly."

I turned to her, "Sis, self-hate is not okay."

My field trip at school earlier:

Little Timmy (angrily): "I WANT MY IPAD!"

Ms. Melina: "We can have it at school if you turn your day around."

Little Timmy: "BUT I WANT IT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

Ms. Melina: "But we're heading back to school."

Little Timmy: "B**TCH, I HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING HOME!"

Little Timmy *starts banging the bus window*

Little Timmy: "THAT’S IT, I F**KING HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING TO CANADA!"

Ms. Melina: "TIMMY, STOP IT! THE SCHOOL IS GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT WINDOW IF YOU BREAK IT!"

Me: "Let’s just tell his family to move to Shadow Bay anyways because Red Oaks would be so f**king good for him."

*Window breaks*

Ms. Melina: "STOP THAT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

Little Timmy: "BUT JEFFY AND JUNIOR ARE PICKING ME UP AND TAKING ME TO F**KING CANADA RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"

Ms. Melina: "THAT’S IT TIMMY, YOU'RE SO F**KING BUSTED! I’M CALLING MS. ALEJANDRA RIGHT NOW!"

The end.

You know, my mom told me to become an astronaut.

I told her I don't want to become the next firework.

Why did I get a divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Child: Dad, I want you to say "I'm a Man" after everything I say!

Dad: Uh, okay?

Child: My wife cheated on me.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: So I went to the bar.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: I met a hot girl.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: So I brought her home.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: After sleeping together, she woke up, faced me and said...

Dad: I'm a man.

My sister asked me, "Brother, how do babies come into the world?" Then my mom said, "Be quiet and fuck your brother, darling."

Is that the answer?

Slept in my Little Shop of Horrors T-shirt, woke up and could suddenly see more.

Slept in my Rocky Horror T-shirt, woke up and seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes.

It was 5:00 PM and I asked my sibling: "Can I have something to eat?"

He replied: "No, not until you tell me the alphabet."

So I said: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, Z."

Then my sibling asked me: "Where's the T?"

I replied: "It's in the microwave, you just need to dish it up."

Roses are red, violets are blue,

FBI wants my penis, can I hide it in you?

What's that thing that walks on two legs, washes dishes, sucks my cock, cooks, cleans, bends over for me and never fucking shuts up?

Femoids.

The plane crashed. There are 5 seats in Bordeaux and usually 4 parachute seats.

The first song goes: "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best player in the world, so fly with the first helmet."

One of Ivanka Trump's former supporters said: "I was the US President's teacher." And take an umbrella and fly.

Former US Secretary of State Donald Trump said: "I am the President of the United States. I am the president of the United States of America, not responsible to the people. Design our package and jump."

"I'm glad," said the next passenger, Popstag, as he approached. Then the boy explained: "I still can't see anyone's problem. The President of the United States is in my bag..."

I showed my family a few Charlie Kirk debates.

They called him a pain in the neck.

OK, bye.

My sister saved a guy from suicide last week.

She was hiking and the guy was on the ridge of a high, narrow cliff. She talked him down, but I think he was just being edgy.

If I cut my wrist, am I a zebra or a tiger?

I told my boyfriend one time when I was drunk that I like being raped. The next day, he comes over and says, "Want to have sex?" I said no. He was arrested two days later.

My boyfriend said if I kiss him, I'll get lucky. I fell down a flight of stairs.

I went on holiday to the coast the other day, and I saw a shark.

I was alright, but I don't think my feet were.

I whopped my daughter's butt because she doesn't listen.

I now have a court date for child abuse and crimes against a deaf person.