My jokes
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she can do better.
What is the difference between my dad’s generation and my generation of women?
He had Wonder Woman, and I have to wonder if it’s a woman.
I was bulimic but I gave it up.
It just left a bad taste in my mouth.
On a lighter note, I seem to have gotten my pyromania under control.
My friends think I'm bipolar. I threw a pencil case at someone and I walked out, walked back in 2 seconds later and I was sunshines and rainbows.
Went to school today, had to yell at my friend that he wasn't on the clock.
He continued to swing on the pole in front of children.
I put my uncle's ashes in my Taco Bell so he could tear my ass up one more time.
My Premier is so fat she has her own gravitational pull.
What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?
I can’t marmalade my cock into your mum’s arse.
When I tell people my girlfriend's packin', they always think she's really good with a gun.
She's actually transgender and on the waiting list for surgery.
Hi. My name's Stephen Hawking. What's your disability?
Hey, wanna know why you remind me of a waitress?
Because you handle my food great, and I give you a good tip afterwards.
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I was sitting in the back of the movie theater, where no one was. Suddenly, she was sitting in front of me with some guy she was hugging. I was furious. I couldn't stay there anymore, so her friend and I had to finish it in the toilet.
So I was sitting on my couch, watching this homophobic TV show all about "straight and great". But then I remember, "Aren't I part of the LGBTQ?"
So I say, "Oh my God, let's throw it out the window because that would be a good idea!" But then it gets run over by 123,456,789 cars. It gave me a $150,000 fine. Guess I'm broke.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Only.
Only who?
Only you make my heart beat fast.
Son: "Mom, am I adopted?"
Mom: "Yes."
Son: "Where are my real parents?"
Dad: "We are your real parents, so... GET OUT!"
"My love, I missed you."
"Aww, I missed you too."
"I did not miss *that* time!"
Teacher: "What's your name?"
Student: "Hang on a second."
10 seconds later:
Teacher: "Is something wrong?"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
20 seconds later:
Teacher: "Don't say a word!!!"
Student: "Hang on a second!!!"
Teacher: "Come here and tell me your name right now!!!"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
Teacher: "Don't call for help!!!"
Student: "Just listen to me!"
Teacher: "Go on, speak!"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
Teacher: "Don't push my patience; this is no joke!!! Tell me your name right now!"
Student: "Hang on a second!!!"
One woman said to the other, "This child is truly cruel!"
The second woman replied, "Did I say 'child'?"
The first woman said, "I beg your pardon; I didn't know you were my father!"
A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.
First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.
When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.
The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.
"Why did you move?" the German asked.
The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."