My jokes
"My love, I missed you."
"Aww, I missed you too."
"I did not miss *that* time!"
Teacher: "What's your name?"
Student: "Hang on a second."
10 seconds later:
Teacher: "Is something wrong?"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
20 seconds later:
Teacher: "Don't say a word!!!"
Student: "Hang on a second!!!"
Teacher: "Come here and tell me your name right now!!!"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
Teacher: "Don't call for help!!!"
Student: "Just listen to me!"
Teacher: "Go on, speak!"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
Teacher: "Don't push my patience; this is no joke!!! Tell me your name right now!"
Student: "Hang on a second!!!"
One woman said to the other, "This child is truly cruel!"
The second woman replied, "Did I say 'child'?"
The first woman said, "I beg your pardon; I didn't know you were my father!"
A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.
First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.
When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.
The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.
"Why did you move?" the German asked.
The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."
Your taste in men is like my taste in humor: dark.
My superpower is that I can create life.
The teacher asks me what my favourite word is.
I said it but got told off and sent to the principal.
What is my favourite word?
Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.
Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.
Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.
Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.
Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.
My local pet store sells prong collars to get dogs to behave.
But when I tried them on an Alzheimer's patient, I got fired from the nursing home.
A burglar breaks into a weapons engineer's house, hoping to loot the high-tech arsenal. Suddenly, the engineer yells from upstairs, "Hey! Stop right there!"
The burglar, trying to play tough, screams, "Hands up! I know you've got the goods! Open the armory or I'll shoot!"
The engineer, trembling, cries, "Okay, okay! Don't shoot! I'll give you everything, even my latest prototype!"
The burglar, eyes gleaming with greed, demands, "Prove it! Let me see this fancy new gun first!"
The engineer points to a target range. "It's a plasma blaster," he claims. "Go ahead, give it a shot."
The burglar aims at the bullseye, pulls the trigger, and—BANG!—the gun fires directly into his own chest.
As the thief collapses, the engineer cackles, "Surprise! It's not plasma; it's my new 'Reverse-Recoil Special,' specifically designed for uninvited guests!"
I really slapped my pants at school today. This is normal, because boys also have their period.
My dad was such a good man. RIP, Osama bin Laden.
I got, I got, I got royalty inside my penis, or however the song goes.
I have a crush on my sister!
I always enjoy family reunions.
It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.
Sister: "Has anyone seen my clothes?"
Brother: "They're still in my bed."
I told my lesbian friends, "I wanna watch," so they bought me a Timex®.
It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
What's the worst thing to say at a live birth?
"Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.
Every one is talking about glory holes, so I decided to look into one.
I was doing renovations on a house and found a wall with a glory hole. I was going to remodel it, but it's load bearing. I asked a gay carpenter how to fix this, and he advised that I check out the studs first to make sure they were uncut.
Eventually, I gave up and just put my nuts through the hole. Now they're walnuts.