Advice jokes

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

For all the people with Covid-19, I just want to say... Stay positive.

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

A wise man once said, "don't think young, think tight." He was a priest.

Q: Why did the chef get fired?

A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)