Advice jokes
Don't commit suicide, that stuff kills you.
When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*
Where do spiders seek health advice? WebMD.
My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.
When does a computer function best? When it listens to its motherboard.
Why was the orphan so successful? They said "go big or go home," but he could not do the second.
Why did the doctor tell the man to go for a mountain walk?
Alps clear the mind! Haha.
Why can orphans only watch G-rated movies?
Because they have no parental guidance.
"What do you tell a person with depression?
Just hang in there, buddy!"
Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!
"Zre, um, be careful when using a gun, okay? And meh not fat, boy."
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
Yo mama so fat when she goes to the shoe store, she needs to take their advice and get XXXXL.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
I know this is a really bad poem, but I'll do it anyway 'cause I have nothing else to do.
'Twas so pretty a night, with people all asleep. Everyone's dreaming of that candy apple treat, and a palace. But alas! No, it's all a dream. Even eating ice cream, it's all a dream! Why can't I have this? Why can't I have that? BUT NO! It's just hitting you like a bat. YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT, you say to yourself. All for me, all for me, and et cetera. It goes on and on. But why wish for riches? You're already rich enough. If you have a device, then take my advise, if you were poor you would have spent the money on food, like honey, not something that... OF ALL THINGS IS GOOGLE!
Like I said, it's really bad. :(
What do you tell twins who are in love with each other?
Go fuck yourself!
What do you say to the orphan?
"Shut up, get a mom and dad!"
Don't listen.
A guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl. He asked for her number, and of course, she said no. He asked the bus driver for advice, and he said, "That girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 p.m. and look for a statue of an angel." So he dresses up as God, goes to the grave, and she sees him. She says, "Oh, Lord, end my misery! Kill me now!" And he said, "Only if you do something for me first." She replied, "What is it, oh mighty Lord?" He said, "Have sex with me." She agreed. They had sex, and when she was done sucking his dick, he said, "I have something to tell you." He took off his costume and said, "I'm the guy from the bus." And she took off her costume: "I'm the bus driver."
(Does anyone remember this? It's an old joke someone made, or does no one remember this? I didn't make this, but it went smth like this)
People tell me to be nice to orphans, so I say, "What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"