My jokes

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.