My jokes

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

when you see a depressed kid, you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"

TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?

My cousin: the other half.

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?!"

My name is Ethan, and I don't find this funny.

Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”

Person 2: “What happened?”

Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”

Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”

Person 1: “I was in my car.”

I hope Stephen Hawking's an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-cart.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"