My jokes

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?