My jokes

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

What's the difference between an emo and my clothes?

My clothes don't hang themselves.

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.