My jokes

when you see a depressed kid, you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?!"

My name is Ethan, and I don't find this funny.

Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”

Person 2: “What happened?”

Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”

Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”

Person 1: “I was in my car.”

I hope Stephen Hawking's an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-cart.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.