My jokes
(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...
Do you want to buy my Hoover?
I mean... it's just collecting dust.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."
Memes
A nickname to call your short GF:
Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok
My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.
My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.
What does my arm have in common with paper?
They both can be cut.
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."