My jokes

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was such a good pilot.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

in can re;ate to this its always going through my mind

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

You look nice, and you seem like good fun, so if I give you this flower, will you finger my bum?

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.