My jokes
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
I got jealous when my phone dies.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
My granddad killed Hitler.
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
*School shooting happens.*
Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk.*
American student: "First time?"
Foreign exchange student: "Yeah, you?"
American student: "Hahaha. No, not my first time."
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.
What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.