My jokes

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.

My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

There is a feminist group in my town.

It is called Gal-Qaeda.

(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)

It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" the passenger said.

"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?

My dick!

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.

Ex: baby i miss u.

Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.

Ex: who died?!

Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

The only thing brighter than my future is the fire on the World Trade Center.

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

I was pretty tight friends with my butt plug. But then we had a falling-out.

My friend threw a soccer ball at a disabled kid.

We all yelled "Rocket league!"