My jokes

What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.

There is a feminist group in my town.

It is called Gal-Qaeda.

(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" the passenger said.

"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.

I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.

Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.

My mom was 19 when she was pregnant with me, My mom was 39 when she was pregnant by me!!!

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

Ex: baby i miss u.

Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.

Ex: who died?!

Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

The only thing brighter than my future is the fire on the World Trade Center.