A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies "Nine"
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
We’re skipping April fools day this year, the biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country
if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year
Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me repeating a year. Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you? ----- Then there is me: My life.
Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!”
Condom: “Hahaha...”
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
What's the best thing about 28 year old's? -There's 20 of them.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn't come on a 5 year olds face
What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?
Suicide Boomer
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie ....... no one could tell that it was their blood
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
Did you know that McDonalds made a Michael Jackson burger? It’s a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun.
whats in a michael jackson hotdog
a 50 year old piece of meat
a 12 year old bun
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing eachother and I said excuse where is the bathroom and the man said right over there. I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say "Dad I have to go to school soon"
Why are Egyptian gods orphans Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a-new-bus) every year to make a prophet
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
