Masturbation jokes

Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

I diddled for a total of 67 times. I am the ultra Gooner. My cum is everywhere. I am the goon master.

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

When slave owners can't get a girlfriend, do they MASTERbate?

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?

When a deaf girl master baits, does she use the other hand to moan?

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?

He was told to high-jack it.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

A: She moans with the other.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

How do cats masturbate? They lick they pussy.

You got no lotion to masturbate, then you remember there's some leftover porridge in the fridge. 😌🤎😇

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

What is the definition of auto masturbation?

Fellatio.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.