The 400+ Best Hand Jokes

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Teacher : Who here has thought about committing suicide? Half of the class : *raises hand* Teacher : ... The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*

I’ll never forget my brother’s last words: “Why is there a revolver in your hand?”

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction".