Masturbation jokes

When I masturbate, things cum.

When an old man does, no one cums.

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?