Masturbation jokes
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."
What does a dead baby look like?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
What did the man's dick say to the man?
I just can't "hand"le it!
Why did the van cross the road?
To get to the school for the little kids.
If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin' off.
My sex life.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...
When I masturbate, things cum.
When an old man does, no one cums.
They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.
What does a baby in a blender look like? I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff.
I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?