What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.
Sex is like math.
Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don't care if she has one.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
I got introduced to a dwarf at a nudist colony the other day.
When we shook, the pleasure was all mine.
What do you call a herd of cows pleasuring themselves? Beef strokin’ off!
I just thought of the best invention ever: a vape dildo.
Like if you wanna have sex.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"
"Dad, what is 69?" asks son.
Dad: "Well son, it is a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally."
Son: "So what shall I write? Odd or even?"
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
What does Buzz Lightyear and an orphan's parents have in common?
They go to infinity and beyond.
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
Masochists and sadists are made for each other.
