Pleasure jokes

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.

Sex is like math.

Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.

Like if you wanna have sex.

What does Buzz Lightyear and an orphan's parents have in common?

They go to infinity and beyond.

So, a guy is taking a piss in a public bathroom. He looks over and sees a short guy with a very large green dick, who looks up at him and says, “Is there a problem, boyoh?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just that thing is huge, and why the hell is it green?!” The man replies, “I’m a leprechaun.”

“Really?” says the man.

“That’s right. And I’ll grant you three wishes if you let me stick it in your pooper.”

“Anything I want?! Three of them?” replies the man.

“Anything in your wildest dreams, boyoh, but you have to let me finish.”

The man bends over, and the leprechaun puts it in. Thrusting back and forth, he asks for the man’s first wish.

“I want a giant yacht!”

“Aye,” says the leprechaun. “It’s pulling into your own private harbor now.”

“For my second wish, I want a billion dollars,” the man says, beginning to sweat.

“Aye, it’s stacked inside the yacht waiting for you,” the leprechaun replies.

“Okay,” the man groans in pain. “For my final wish, I want this yacht to be full of beautiful women.”

“You betcha, boyoh,” says the leprechaun. “The girls are there waiting for you nooWWW,” as he lets out a moan of pleasure.

The man, exhausted and sore, says, “That was rough, but worth it for those wishes. Where do I go?”

The little man with the giant green dick, pulling up his pants, his accent now gone says: “Aren’t you a little old to be believing in leprechauns?”

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.

Candy is dandy.

But liquor is quicker.

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

I got introduced to a dwarf at a nudist colony the other day.

When we shook, the pleasure was all mine.

What do you call a herd of cows pleasuring themselves? Beef strokin’ off!

I just thought of the best invention ever: a vape dildo.

Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.

The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.

Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.

After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."

Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

"Dad, what is 69?" asks son.

Dad: "Well son, it is a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally."

Son: "So what shall I write? Odd or even?"

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

What do orgasms and impulses have in common?

I don’t care if they have either of them.

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!