Intimacy jokes

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

Brojobs are like air. It's not important until you don't have any.

What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.

What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?

A blowjob is anonymous.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

Sex is like math.

You add a bed.

Subtract the clothes.

Divide the legs.

And pray you don’t multiply.

Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.

What's the same with a toilet and anal sex? Your ass gets numb after a while.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

Why is Johnson's baby shampoo the best lubricant for anal sex?

- No more tears.

Something you can say at a job interview and during sex:

"I’m here for the new position?"