Humor

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because people always said, "Go big or go home," and he only had one option. 😂🤣

I just planted emo grass.

Ignore it and it cuts itself.

What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?

Speed humps.

What was the orphan's name?

Jake! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣😂😂

An orphan? We no jokes.

Jokeless orphan since they were always stacked on jokes.

All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"

What's the fastest thing on earth?

An Ethiopian with a McDonald's Voucher.

Welcome to Arby's, where your babies become our gravy!

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

It was just a prank, and stop calling our humor "plane." In our opinion, it's fire.

What do you call a disabled person who gets high?

Baked potato.

Well, you know what they say about cliffhangers...

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.