Humor
More expresso, less depresso. Jk, let's all drink bleach cuz life is a bitch.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
BAHAHA
Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?
Because every little helps!
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?
A-Mean-O-Acid.
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
Israel and Palestine jokes are hard at these times.
It’s all about execution.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.
Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”
Person #2: “No, you can have it.”
Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”
Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.
Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”
Your forehead's so big, it's built like Megamind's robot, period.
Mooning is very astrological!
I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.
Join us for more of the story, after the break!
Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.