Humor

Why does a blind man still have eyes?

So he can see that he can't see.

My favorite toast for parties: May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

If Stephen Hawking had a FIFA card, he would have 99 dribble.

What is the best power that man can do? They can move the mountain with their tongue.

Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face, and he asks her, "Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face, mother?"

His mother replies, "To make myself beautiful, Johnny."

A few minutes later, she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her, "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"

Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?

Because he loves his honey.

Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?

A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Okay, good night everyone who has common sense! "Akeld," you did not make it.

What has a heart but no organs?

A deck of cards!

What's black, white, and "read" all over?

A zebra after a lion is full.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite tv show?

Family Guy.

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the Fresh prints.

I said "Uranus!" and the girl beside me face-palmed. I wonder what I did wrong?

You failed Helen Keller's speech class? It's okay, she's not a very good speaker.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

Why is there A/C in hospitals?

So the vegetables stay nice and fresh.

I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"