Humor
Why don’t mountains take things seriously?
Because they’re hill areas.
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
Memes
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?
A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.
Q: Why can orphans swim?
A: They have or-fins.
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
Why are orphans so skinny?
They never eat anything that is family size.
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
A cardboard belt is a waste of paper.
The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.
- I think you're EGGcellent.
+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.
- Really? Are you done yet?.
+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."