Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? same time next month?

Babies can spread a nasty smell,

especially when you haven’t fed them for a month.

If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me…

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

So my mom sent a text saying, “I’m gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back.” That was 3 months ago.

What do lesbian vampires say after sex?

“See you next month.”

What is Hitler’s least favorite month?

Jewly.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire. Same time next month.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.

What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? “Same time next month?”

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar? I hear they got six months each.

The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live - the doctor replied tu-more

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags „We have nuclear submarines which can stay under water for six weeks without having to resurface!“. Trump goes on „Six weeks? That’s nothing. I have the best submarines, they‘re underwater für at least three months!“. Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - „Heil Hitler! We need Diesel.“

Ho Ho Ho, what do you want for Christmas little boy. Longer than 2 months to live.

Why is April the smartest month? It can never be fooled.

I heard he’s doing a revival tour next month, it’s called Stephen Hawking unplugged.

Boy: mom why are drinking this disgusting red soup, I wanted salad
Mom: quite son we only get this once a month

Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, “Just for that you don’t get any butter for a month.”

Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, “Nice try.”

My friend dreamed of being a p...o star. He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him The next job he got was pumping petrol, halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

if babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born.

How do you know your baby is dead? It stopped screaming after not feeding the bastard for a month.

Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, “Who’s the toughest guy in here?” The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom. Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, “Who’s the toughest guy in here tonight?” The bartender points to the bathroom and says he’s in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, “What happened in there?” Jim smiles and says, “I don’t know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket int the toilet.”

My sister has cows and after 4 months she said the was a miss steak.

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