Health jokes

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

Me and my cancer

Are like a game of Fortnite.

I’ll never win.

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

I have nut cancer...

I have it.

1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?

- A bus full of children.

2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

- He died of a yeast infection.

3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...

- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”

4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...

- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...

- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.

I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.

COVID-19. IN YOUR FACE! HAHA!

What did Omnicron say to Delta?

"Same race, bud, different evolution."

"SIX FEET AWAY, OMNI! SIX FEET AWAY!"

A father of a young girl comes to meet the doctor.

Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?

Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.

Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried!

You know how all zodiacs have hairstyles... well not Cancers.

My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.

I want diabetes so I can drink loads of Coke. - Louie Fennell 2018

I decided to make a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. It's called "Spastics on Elastics."

What’s the difference between masturbation and brain damage?

After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

I think the pollen count is a difficult job. Especially if you have hay fever.

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"