Health jokes
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
When I was going downstairs, Sum Ting Wong fell, and doctors say Sum Ting Wong happened.
Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?
Me: I have depression, what do you think?!
Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.
Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?
What do you call a basketball player with erectile dysfunction?
Tragic Johnson.
Yo mama so ugly,
they won’t give her a vaccine so she can keep wearing her mask.
Roses are red, violets are blue, by the way, I have the flu!
I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.
Me and a wheelchair person were playing tag, and I broke my leg so it can be fair for him.
What comes after 69?
Mouthwash.
Me: Knock knock.
My Grandma: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting cow.
My Grandma: Interrupting c-
[Dies from heart attack]
Taking you to go grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
Official orgasm donor.
My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.
Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"
My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep driving.