Relationship jokes

What does a relationship and suicide have in common?

I always fail on committing.

A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

What can you tell [as] a difference between [a] man and a woman [in a] relationship?

Both of them are just full of shit.

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.

Sex is like math.

You add a bed.

Subtract the clothes.

Divide the legs.

And pray you don’t multiply.

Bf: What do you think about our love?

Gf: Count the stars in the sky.

Bf: Aww, it's infinity.

Gf: Nope, just a waste of time.

What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?

I don't care if she has either.

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?

Chromozoned.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.

Me: *gets down on one knee*

Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

Me: *falls over*

Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."