What does a relationship and suicide have in common?
I always fail on committing
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy" to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, i'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary
My whife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said: 'You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!'
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
When you send her a dick pic but then she sends you one right back...
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
