Health jokes
My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
What kind of ankle are you? A broken ankle.
Q: Why did Sally drop her ice cream?
A: She got hit by a bus.
I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)
You know how all zodiacs have hairstyles... well not Cancers.
My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.
You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?
But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
What did the bird go to the hospital for?
For tweetment!
This anorexic girl wanted to fight me. I told her that I would roast her, but she didn't have any meat.
Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?
Suicide.
What did the doctor say to the Chinese man?
"Some ting wong."
Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.
Plus, she's too young to smoke.
Why do people poop?
Because it we need to!