Health jokes
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?
Suicide.
I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
What did the bird go to the hospital for?
For tweetment!
Memes
Taking you to go grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
Official orgasm donor.
Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"
My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.
I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."
My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep driving.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's...
You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's.
Q: Why did Sally drop her ice cream?
A: She got hit by a bus.