Health jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, by the way, I have the flu!

What do hookers and porn stars have in common? They get paid for sex and get STD's.

I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep driving.

What did the bird go to the hospital for?

For tweetment!

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Well I'm doin' just fine, I lied, I'm DEAD inside.

Don't tell me "it's gonna be alright," I've tried, but I can't fight like this.

Hey how ya doin', I'm tired but I'm trying to fight.

Roses are red, My c0ck is blue, Oh shit, what happened to you?

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?

But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.

Taking you to go grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

How do you know when your vegetables are completely cooked?

The wheelchair rises to the top.

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

I eat cockroaches.

I went to McDonald's and I saw a line of fat people because they were selling free hamburgers.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.

Friend: You ok, man?

Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.