Health jokes
I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.
It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!
What’s the difference between Jimmy and a normal kid? Jimmy is fat.
What do you call a wet condom?
A wet condom.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
What do you call it when a gay guy farts?
An abortion.
tru tho
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.
Why did the tomato blush?
Answer: Because it saw the salad dressing.
What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?
One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!
What do you call a fat person in a wheelchair?
A broken wheelchair.
When I walk to school, I fart.
I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........
Little Susie had gotten her first period. She told her mom, and they bought pads.
The next month, Susie's mom asked if she had her second one. Suzie said no, and her mom fainted!
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.
My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."
People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
Why is mercury like everything else in the world?
Because it gives you cancer.
What's the best part of a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Imagine this scenario: A doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses, diseases, etc. in the world but cooler like this: "Bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc."
And then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.
A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”
Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.