Health jokes

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

My jokes are cancer.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

What do you call a cow with no toes?

Lac-toes intolerant.

Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?

Patient: Cancer, why?

Doctor: What are the chances?

Patient: Of what?

What's green and bad for your teeth?

A green brick.

Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

If you're feeling numb, use your thumb.

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

It ain't always having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

Why is the disease lung cancer never hungry? Because it's eating your lungs.

What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection?

… A quarter pounder with cheese.

Hi, what's your name?

I don't know, I'm disabled.

Yo mama so tall, she eats paramedics.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

What was I saying again?

If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?