Health jokes

Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.

Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?

Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

I used to hate foot fungus, but now it's growing on me.

Keep yourself safe!

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.

Yo mama is so fat when she goes to the dentist, they make her lay face down.

What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?

Maracas.

Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.

What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?

They're always cutting.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

It's all fun and games until they start dancing.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

Because it had a window pane.

Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

Yo mama so fat, when she decides to workout, the stock market goes bankrupt.

"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"

"Oh, that was the cat."

"We don't have a cat..."

"Oh..."

I was in a wheelchair for a few weeks last month.

I went through a super traumatic experience, and I *wheely* hope I made a good *roll* model!