Health jokes
I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.
Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?
Because they need parents' signature.
A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."
The second one says: "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he died.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.
"Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"
Memes
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...
All of the bristles fell out!
If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?
What's green and bad for your teeth?
A green brick.
Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?
He's all right now.
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!
Who is the blindest person in the world?
He slips, he falls, he dislocates his balls!
Why is the orphan happy when he wakes up from a coma?
Because there is a family reunion.
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!
When the kid in the wheelchair scares you... you wheelie scared me.
You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
Why do-- wait, what am I saying? What am I talking about?
The cure for depression is around the corner... There it is, the train.