Health jokes
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
When you pull out, but the baby's face turns blue.
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
What’s a kid with Down syndrome's favorite candy... Grunts.
Me: I have an arrow in my head.
My friend: What's the point of that?
Me: Of the arrow?
Friend: No!
Me: Probably the flint.
One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.
What did the doctor say to the potato?
It told it it had tuberculosis.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"
Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"
Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had diarrhea.
What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?
A blood bath.
I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.
WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!
Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?
You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
As the coronavirus pandemic strengthens...
Trump - "Quick, inject yourselves with bleach!"
Also Trump - "I order everyone in America to wear a face mask except for me!"
Suck tiny dick, now you have STD's.
What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Your dad went to the shop to get milk, came back, went again, but never came back due to a car crash due to an itchy rash.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.