Health jokes
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
Last time Kenny ate a vegetable, he got banned from his mom's nursing home.
Your mama so fat that when she went to McDonald's, they said, "Sorry, you've had enough, ma'am."
What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?
You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.
Stephen Hawking had pins and needles and got told to walk it off.
Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.
This guy in a trench coat walks up to a kid, opens the trench coat and has glasses inside.
He says to the kid, “Hey kid, want some extra-see?”
Why are hospitals always freezing?
They need to keep the vegetables cold.
Yo mama's so fat that she used a telephone pole as a tampon.
What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
It doesn’t make much sense why autistic kids run down the hall screaming racecar noises.
I mean, they aren’t in wheelchairs, so I don’t know why they do it.
Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?
He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."
My brother said, "You want a cookie?"
"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.
If certain diseases spread in water, why does Africa have them?
Do you know why there are no pharmacies and pharmacists in Africa?
Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach!
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them.
The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
Why do Blondes never suffer from headaches?
No brain, no pain.