Weight jokes

"You look like you've lost some weight."

"Really? Well, whatever weight I lost, you found it, pal!"

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

Yo mama’s official weight (in tonnes)

99593927273949592827385959599282738595939282759593827395828192948472937593817294728275957292739584728459398284854982835884838285849292857483838385838294958483823884958383947391959593817495827394858272959573939488492949595837829374758483848497483919396849294858203957293858930375938475937393949292949848215722935375838283848382883839393949583929459939294949493928174759284759927495910305838385848292958293959.

Yo mama so fat even God could not lift her spirits.

Yo mama so fat, she called Dr. Seuss and he couldn’t even rhyme back.

Yo mama so fat, a bus ran into her and she said, "WHO THREW THAT TWINKIE AT ME?!"

Your mum is so stupid, when she went on your phone it got fat.

She's so fat that when she steps onto a wood floor, the floorboard doesn't creak, it screams: "Goddamn!!!" before it snaps from the weight.

Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

Yo mama so fat that when Thanos snapped his fingers, she was still there.

Yo mama so fat that when she fell on the concrete, nobody laughed, but the concrete cracked up.

I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."

You're so fat you're the reason they made tread "meals".

You're so ugly we can't have neighbors.

Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized at SeaWorld!

Have you ever felt an earthquake? It’s not nature; it’s Brandan Bressler.

Yo momma so fat, she farts out volcanoes.

If you are fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?

Your mama is so fat that when she went to run in a yellow jumpsuit, the kids thought they missed the school bus.