Health jokes
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.
I see a dreamer.
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.
Why was the director injured?
He couldn't find the right cast!
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in a room with rubber rats. Rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once...
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
Q. What's an Alzheimer's victim's favourite song? A. Stand Down at Sundown.
So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.
“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.
“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.
So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”
“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”
As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.
Why are quadriplegics so unsympathetic? Because they only have feeling in 10% of their body.
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?
No?
Because it hasn't come out yet.
A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,
"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"
The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Leukemia.