Health jokes
Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!
TDS? More like STDs.
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.
Doctor: I see your point!
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
You're so fat, you drank an invisibility potion, and everyone could still see you!
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
What do you call a Panera Bread doctor?
A Panera med.
What is big and long and hard?
A cucumber!
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.
So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.
“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.
“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.
So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”
“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”
As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.
Why are quadriplegics so unsympathetic? Because they only have feeling in 10% of their body.
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?
No?
Because it hasn't come out yet.
A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,
"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"
The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Leukemia.