Health jokes

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who's there?

Not Susie.

Yo mama so fat, her blood type is mayonnaise.

"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."

I have no legs.

Why do people shake cigarette boxes?

To wake up the cancer.

Schools be like "dRuGS arE BaD," then prescribe a 6-year-old Adderall for not wanting to sit in the same spot for 8 hours.

Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!

Yo mama is so unfamiliar with the gym, she calls it James.

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

Lemme just say one thing:

Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.

What do you say to a magician with autism?

Are you "Autism-ic?"

What’s the difference between Jimmy and a normal kid? Jimmy is fat.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.

What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a swimming pool?

Vegetable soup.

If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.

Why did the rape victim stop eating pears?

Because she was told that if you rearrange the letters "PEAR," it spells "rape."

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

Why couldn’t Billy go to school today?

The bus driver hit Sally.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.