Health jokes
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
What was the winning play at the leper football game? A hand off up the middle.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.
What do you give a pig when it has a rash?
Oinkment.
Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.
You've got a body inside you. It's called your bones.
Why can't orphans smoke?
They don't have parents ._.
What zodiac sign has no hair?
Cancer.
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.
Gay is a mental illness.
You're not thinking straight.
How come the toilet paper could not make it across the road?
Because of the Corona Virus.
If there is a guy in a wheelchair and he is a bully, say, "I’m still standing."