Health Jokes

What does a kid with cancer and a house fly have in common?

A life expectancy of 15-25 days.

Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?

Because dead babies make the best cum.

What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?

Cot death.

People say rape is bad. It is because I don't want STD and HIV.

What are the four letters you don't want to hear from a dentist?

I C D K

When is the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30.

What did Stephen Hawking have for breakfast? His left shoulder.

Your mama is so fat, you can't tell if she's pregnant or not.

Why didn't Biden get the virus?

He sniffed everyone!

One day, he started crying out of nowhere. Everyone started crying with him.

There was a crying pandemic going around.

The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Social distancing.

Imagine there's a funny joke here... imagined it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you're schizophrenic.

What do you get when you beat up an autistic kid?

Mashed potatoes.

What time is it when you cannot walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽

Michael Jackson went into an Italian restaurant and died because he choked on 9-year-old meatballs.

What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."