Health jokes
What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
How do you describe a redhead with bad teeth?
Gingervitus.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair that lives in Africa?
Dry Vegetable.
Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.
What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had diarrhea.
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why is mercury like everything else in the world?
Because it gives you cancer.
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)
Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.
Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"
Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"
Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)
Yo mama so hairy, when the baby came out, the baby died because of carpet burning!
What time is it when you walk walk? Time to trip and fall!
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?
No?
Because it hasn't come out yet.
What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.
Sometime ago I went to the morgue and asked if they took walk-ins.