Health jokes
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
Memes
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
What's the difference between me and my mate...
I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.
What's black and eats Kitty?
Serval cancer.
Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a tomato?
A: A tomato isn't a vegetable.
What do you call a rapper with a cold?
Lil Sneezy.
What’s the worst part about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair.
Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
After seeing you sing, the dog got disinfected from rabies.
You call me a prostitute's son, I call you test-tube babies.
You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.
Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."
Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...
It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”