Health jokes
Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?
Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.
What’s the worst part about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair.
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Memes
If I were to not eat the last biscuit, I would feel "crumby."
A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
Why did the man sit on his porch and bark at the postman when he came?
Because his dog had a sore throat!
Why do Blondes never suffer from headaches?
No brain, no pain.
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.