Health jokes
How do you cure a ginger?
Chemotherapy.
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
What do you call a group of depressed people?
Sue-icide squad.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? The front desk always asks, “Where are your parents?”
Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.
Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.
I have a big bag of Doritos in the kitchen. It's only for people who are skinny, but the fat people can't have any. All they do is suck it up like a lollipop.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.
What do you call a javelin thrower with Parkinson’s?
Shakespeare.
What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?
A blender.
What do a gynecologist and deaf people have in common? They both read lips.
Why do athletes cool down fast? Because they have fans.
Wash your hands.
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
What's the most embarrassing thing about locking your keys in the car outside a pregnancy care center?
Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
Condoms? HA! Those are for pussies!
Don’t suicide! Please don’t, it’s horrible, and you will hurt so many people that love you.
That’s why no one will be hurt.
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
I made someone a PB and J sandwich... they died.