Health jokes
I can't stand up when I laugh hard; neither can they.
"What do you tell a person with depression?
Just hang in there, buddy!"
I go to Venice to get a bigger penis.
You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
Every god damn day
Yo mama's so fat, I run around her for exercise.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because she was crummy.
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.
What has 1 head, 1 foot, and 4 legs? A bed.
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.
Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.
So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.
I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.
In Alabama... How do you know your sister is having periods? Your dad's penis tastes like blood.
If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?
Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!
Why should old women never eat seafood?
'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.
Yo mama so hairy, you almost died from a rug burn!
What part in the body does an adult not need but actually needs to live?
A KIDNey!
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A.
A who?
A-bless you!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.