Health jokes
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.
Doctor: I see your point!
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!
What do bubbles get when they’re sick?
The suds.
TDS? More like STDs.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.
What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?
Strong to the finish.
I bribbled a kid and he was bribbled hem so hard that his balls came off.
What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
One makes your whole day and one makes your hole weak.
What is big and long and hard?
A cucumber!
You're so fat, you drank an invisibility potion, and everyone could still see you!
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?
Maracas.
Peter: *curses* Sam: Wow, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Peter: Ha, joke’s on you! I don’t have a mother.
Tony, having a heart attack: ASFJDHJWNSGREGEJDHFWVWHUSYSG PETER, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!