Health jokes
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.
I see a dreamer.
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
Youch
If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.
Why are all fat people bad drivers?
They are all hungover.
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: “ASPERGER’S”
"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."
Nope, should've gone to Specsavers.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
What do bubbles get when they’re sick?
The suds.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat the broccoli.
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.
People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"
Doctor, what is wrong with me?
You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.