Health jokes
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
I bribbled a kid and he was bribbled hem so hard that his balls came off.
Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.
All countries will get Covid.
Except China, they got it right off the bat.
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in some laundry...
Why did the rapper go to the optometrist?
Because he needed to improve his RAP VISION.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
Because it had a window pane.
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
What do you do if your dick is smoking?
Get your mum to lick it.
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
What site does a vegetable go to when he/she is stressed?
cornhub.com
When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:
Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
Doctor, what is wrong with me?
You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.
What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.
Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.
Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"