Health jokes

Did you hear about the deaf guy's STI?

He got hearing aids.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?

Strong to the finish.

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?

Because they've already been roasted!

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?

They usually don’t live to tell the tale.

What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?

OJ couldn’t kill cancer.

What is better to have, autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?

All countries will get Covid.

Except China, they got it right off the bat.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

Why are there no chemists in Africa?

Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.