Health jokes

What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses.

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in a room with rubber rats. Rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once...

Yo mama so fat, the only letters that she knows are KFC.

How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?

The psychologist will thank you for coming.

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?

Because they've already been roasted!

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

What's the natural cure to an old man's inability to forgive people?

Alzheimer's.

Why can't you be gay and in a wheelchair?

Because you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.

Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?

My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

In life, some people have it harder than others.

That's why Viagra exists.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.