Health jokes

Michael Jackson went into an Italian restaurant and died because he choked on 9-year-old meatballs.

What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

What's the chunkiest part of vegetable soup?

The wheelchair.

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!

Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

He is helping world hunger by feeding cancer.

Technoblade can defeat every Minecraft player, but he still can't defeat cancer!

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

Yo mama so fat she can't walk for five seconds without sweating, causing a tsunami!

What do people with cancer always want to watch?

"Finding Chemo."

Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...

Bloody seamen.

What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?

The wheelchair.

My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?

Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.

Sometimes I just want to toss a flash bang into a room full of epileptic kids.

I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.