Health jokes
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
Yo mama so fat, when she decides to workout, the stock market goes bankrupt.
You're so fat you need butter to get in the car.
The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.
What do you do if your dick is smoking?
Get your mum to lick it.
What do you call a special needs kid with a motorcycle?
Motor disease.
What comes in and comes out, but you should never miss it?
Any ideas?
SHIT!!!!
You're so fat that you cause your heart to have panic attacks.
A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.
What does the word circumcise mean?
Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.