Health jokes

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

"A foolish man is lactose intolerant. A wise man simply tolerates it."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

Health feed fights grand gucxsrdcjcgfdz taxicab heaven reflection during harvesting.

What do you call a Panera Bread doctor?

A Panera med.

What do you call a Japanese person when their knees are cured?

"Happynese" (happy knees).

You're so fat, you drank an invisibility potion, and everyone could still see you!

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

I know this isn't an orphan joke, but I didn't know where to say it, so yeah.

I threw a nut at the allergy table and screamed, "YES, TRIPLE KILL!"

Yo mama so fat that she's social distancing from herself.

Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."

The companies that made the hand gel sanitizer must be absolutely rubbing their hands together!

Me: Knock, knock.

Another person (OP): OP: Who's there? Me: Hatch. OP: Hatch who? Me: Bless you =) OP: But I didn't sneeze. Me: You just don't get a joke, do you?

Why are 10-pin bowlers always in pain?

Because their balls have holes in them.

Peter: *curses* Sam: Wow, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Peter: Ha, joke’s on you! I don’t have a mother.

Tony, having a heart attack: ASFJDHJWNSGREGEJDHFWVWHUSYSG PETER, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is a girl's favorite song when they are on their period?

"Period, oh period, oww!"

What can run, be an eyesore, and practice social distancing?

Your hairline.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.