What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
Health Jokes
Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?
He's all right now.
A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.
The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."
What's green and bad for your teeth?
A green brick.
Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.
The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"
Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."
The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"
Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
I'm high and it's very hot.
I need some water, but I don't got none. AHAHA.
I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."
By a tweaker with AIDS.
Have you heard about kids with AIDS?
It never gets old.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.
"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
"Peppa Pig"-like pandemics.
