Health jokes
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
If laughter is contagious, LEO is immune.
If we send more mosquitoes to Africa, we could save more mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 when I'm at a nursery.
Youch
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.
Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
What does the word circumcise mean?
Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
What does Can do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.