Health jokes
Nope, should've gone to Specsavers.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.
I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.
I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.
I see a dreamer.
If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.
Why are all fat people bad drivers?
They are all hungover.
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: “ASPERGER’S”
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
Why was the director injured?
He couldn't find the right cast!
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat the broccoli.
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.