Health jokes

If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.

Why are all fat people bad drivers?

They are all hungover.

I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

Why was the director injured?

He couldn't find the right cast!

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.

Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

What do bubbles get when they’re sick?

The suds.

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!

TDS? More like STDs.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.