Health jokes

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!

TDS? More like STDs.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it!

Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

What's the natural cure to an old man's inability to forgive people?

Alzheimer's.

How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?

The psychologist will thank you for coming.

What do you call a special needs kid with a motorcycle?

Motor disease.

A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.