Health jokes
Why did Daveon go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling "Daveon" in the dumps.
My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"
Why did the rapper go to the optometrist?
Because he needed to improve his RAP VISION.
What do you call a gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant non-bi dairy?
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.
(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)
My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
What is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 when I'm at a nursery.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.