Health jokes

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

Why are there no chemists in Africa?

Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.

How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?

She lost her taste.

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?

They usually don’t live to tell the tale.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?

OJ couldn’t kill cancer.

What is better to have, autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 when I'm at a nursery.

All countries will get Covid.

Except China, they got it right off the bat.

If laughter is contagious, LEO is immune.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in some laundry...

Why did Daveon go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling "Daveon" in the dumps.