Health jokes

If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?

Why are uncles like curries?

Because bad ones hurt your asshole.

Yo mama so fat that she's social distancing from herself.

Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

Yo mama so fat, the only letters that she knows are KFC.

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

If we send more mosquitoes to Africa, we could save more mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?

My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?

Because they've already been roasted!

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

If laughter is contagious, LEO is immune.