Health jokes
If laughter is contagious, LEO is immune.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
Why did the rapper go to the optometrist?
Because he needed to improve his RAP VISION.
What do you call a gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant non-bi dairy?
Did you hear about the deaf guy's STI?
He got hearing aids.
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
What is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
What does Can do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.
If we send more mosquitoes to Africa, we could save more mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.
The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?
They're always cutting.