Health jokes

You're so fat you need butter to get in the car.

What do you call a special needs kid with a motorcycle?

Motor disease.

What comes in and comes out, but you should never miss it?

Any ideas?

SHIT!!!!

You're so fat that you cause your heart to have panic attacks.

A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

Why are there no chemists in Africa?

Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.

How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?

She lost her taste.

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?

They usually don’t live to tell the tale.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?

OJ couldn’t kill cancer.

What is better to have, autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.